I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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