Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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