how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
