turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
