everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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