You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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