pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
