I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
