The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
