The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
