I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
