Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
