just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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