So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
