Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
