Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
