So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
