I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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