guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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