I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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