I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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