you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
