Even water is tasting like jack daniels
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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