when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
