I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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