I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
