im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
