I'm going to jail i love you
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
