my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
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