On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
