and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
