were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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