Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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