i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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