I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
