he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
where are you?
Hypothermia
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
