All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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