Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
