I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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