OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
