you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
