my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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