i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
