Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
