what if every blade of grass was a penis?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
