quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
