I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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