Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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