totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
