I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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