I'm gonna have a badass scar
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
