I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
