we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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