Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Farmville is her only friend.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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