Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
