I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
