Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
