for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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