You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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