I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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