I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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