You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
